The Past and the Future

Posts tagged ‘self-reflection’

Round and Round

Again, it has been a while. Let’s update.

I’m still with the boyfriend and we settled on “Friend with Benefits.” Things are… good. We have set rules and expectations, and for the most part its working. I’ll leave that at that. He got a new job and seems happier, overall. He’s still playing Conan with me, although less and less, and with less and less enthusiasm. I suspect it will eventually dwindle off and he’ll focus on his own games and friends, and we’ll just talk in Discord.

Hubby and I returned to playing together, picking Sunday as our night. “Date Night” has always been good for us, and helps us feel closer. Sex has returned to the table for us, which has been nice. He feels less distant and more loved, which in turn makes him easier to get along with and overall happier. We’ve settled on LOTRO (Lord of the Rings Online) and Conan for the moment.

The kids are doing well. The eldest hates working at Walmart but who wouldn’t, but he’s doing well there despite his grumbling. There’s not a lot of opportunity where we live so that’s a pretty good full time job. He’s looking for a part-time gig to add more to his income. The middle son works part time still, even though he dropped out of college at least for a semester. We’ll see if he goes back. He was disillusioned that Mom and Dad were right and he actually DOES have to go to class and do his homework if he wants to actually maintain a good grade; this isn’t High School. The eldest intends to go back but was burned hardcore on the local community college when they outright LIED to him about the certificate course he took being valid and it wasn’t. He wants his money back. He won’t get it back; we all know how this works. Life lessons for them both, it would seem.

I hate my job and wish I could find something ELSE to do. There’s next to nothing to do in the “remote” sector that doesn’t sound like a scam and everything I look at for writing seems like one too. I hate the idea of going back to work in a brick and mortar building but it looks like I may have to. Ugh. I really like working from home and wish I could find something good to do from here. I like making my own hours, and being 20 steps away from my desk. I hate driving to work. I hate having to fix a lunch. Meh.

Ahh well. Life is life.

My physical health has been a challenge, with the asthma thing being far less simple to control than anything else in my life. My blood sugar IS creeping up again and trying to become an issue. I know I need to fight it back down and I will, most of my issues is the winter and cold, and not being able to get out and walk. The other issue is the albuterol, which doesn’t help blood sugar AT ALL. And the steroid which turns out I truly need (Ugh) and seems to create a host of issues within me such as making me susceptible to sinus infections and other nasty yeasty things all over my body. I had a brief battle with demodex but I won that one.

What are demodex? I’m so glad you asked. Let me SHARE WITH YOU.

Isn’t that lovely? What is that, you ask? It’s related to spiders, and it …. <breathes> LIVES ON YOUR FACE!

Yes, yes, you heard me correctly. It lives on your face and eats your shed skin flakes and eyelashes and hangs out in your hair follicles and comes out at night to breed, lay eggs, AND DIE.


I may have had a tiny freak-out when I learned that due to the various autoimmune issues I have AND the steroid that I take, these were infesting my face and eyelashes.

Now, to be clear, everyone has these. Everyone. I just had an overabundance.

I got some tea tree oil eyelid wipes and started cleaning my eyes and face with them, and voila! No more infestation and no more itchy eyes or infuriating crusty-ness. Nothing cures the heebie-jeebies however. Nothing. I will have those for the REST OF MY LIFE.

Uncool, Mother Nature. Uncool.

My husband’s diabetes has decided to raise its ugly head to full bore, and he’s been dealing with VERY high blood sugars. That’s not scary at all. He’s currently visiting his girlfriend and her husband in Ireland and relaxing over spring break from school, taking a much deserved vacation from school.

The biggest deal for me of late has been my mental health, as I struggle with the past I can’t remember and the effect it has on my present. I have cut seeing my therapist for financial reasons, so I only see him every few weeks. It has given me extra thinking time, and my dreams have been intense.

I have taken to watching videos of sex trafficking’s survivors, because it gives me some kind of strange hope. One in particular made me very uncomfortable, so much so that I couldn’t watch it all the way through for more than a few minutes at a time. It took me two days to watch the 30 minute video. This of course told me that I needed to watch it, as Tower screamed at me in the background. Once it was done, the next week was filled with a sort of lego-locking routine of memories as they locked into place. Not new memories but rather having old memories and flashbacks sort of… locking into a sense of sense. I’m not sure how to explain it.

As I’ve explained before, I remember very little. What I do remember is black and white flashes that are more taste, sight, and sound than actual visual memory, because Tower steals those as soon as they escape. It can be very disorienting. I’ve dealt with this my entire life. When I was young, I would stutter, walk into walls, stumble, fall down stairs, etc. the moment these memories would hit me. Anything could trigger them, and they were very disorienting and dissociating. However, I did manage to keep what little I did remember in a sort of library, for future reference. She was unable to erase 100% of it.

I have accepted now that I was involved in some kind of ‘ring’ when I was very small, either with my mother’s help or at least with her knowledge. She was paid to look the other way, or she was paid and was a part of it. I cannot say which one. The memories that I have are pretty damning, even with the gaps. I can piece together what happened; it’s not pretty. You don’t end up with my kind of damage from being yelled at harshly. It was a hard thing to admit and understand, and in truth I don’t really need the details anymore but I understand that maybe I do. Maybe I need to face them and they will come to me as I am ready to see it.

It’s a process. I know that.

It’s not going to change the here and now but it does explain a lot about my sexuality, my sexual fantasies and hang-ups, and all the things in-between. It’s a bit like wading into a swamp with hip waders on… you may find yourself in too deep and have to back out a bit. I’m there now, carefully walking about with a long stick. We’ll see where we end up.

My writing came to a stand-still some time ago and I’m slowly wading back into that too. Another process.

Another big thing was a DNA test. Yep, finally did it.

I have zero african DNA … so much for that. I’m 100% white person for the most part and a viking to boot…who’d a thunk it. Didn’t see that one coming… nope. I have a smidge of Spanish in there that might account for the curly hair and such but that’s it. I also don’t have a lot of hits where there should be some, which does prove the “Granny was a big ole liar” part. We’ll wade into THAT quagmire later, probably this summer when I have more mental and soul energy.

I think that’s all for now. I’ll write more as I have time AND energy AND the mental acuity. As you can tell, it doesn’t happen as often as I would like.

Later Taters.