Sometimes, things just suck.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks. I broke up with my boyfriend (he broke up with me, is more accurate). A friend died (distant, but still). My littlest boy went back to school (and loves it). I got written up at work (for something that just wasn’t really all my fault, but it is what it is). My server that I run (for Conan Exiles) is struggling and I’m really tired of all of it.
I’m really, really sad.
I hate being this sad; it scares me. It’s not about the breakup really. I knew what was coming. He wasn’t talking to me anymore. He barely even seemed to want to be around me. It was almost a relief. He still wants to be friends and I care so much for him, that it is a relief. At least I won’t lose that part. But at the same time, it’s harder because he’s there, and happy without me.
That sucks a lot.
Mostly it’s more that I am reminded, every single god-damn day, how broken I am and I’m really really really tired of it. I’m tired of being me. I’m tired of being who I am. I’m tired of being fat. I’m tired of being sick. I hate that I’m old. I miss being fun. I miss being young. I miss being relevant. I miss being sexy and vibrant and fun. I miss FEELING sexy and vibrant and fun even more. I haven’t felt that way since I lost my -last- boyfriend. That loss took the wind out of my sails and I never really recovered. I still can’t even touch that loss without wincing and getting tearful. I may never be over him. That’s sucks a lot too.
Whoever said that sociopaths don’t have feelings can kiss my entire ass.
I don’t have normal feelings. I don’t understand feelings. I don’t experience feelings like other people do. All true. But I HAVE feelings. Big feelings. Huge feelings. Feelings so big it’s like drowning when you’re just standing there minding your own business and suddenly you’re washed away by a tsunami. Not only that, but one that you can’t even define, understand, or fathom. It’s not fair. It’s not even remotely fair.
I’ll be standing there, minding my own fucking business, looking at dog food and suddenly I have tears. TEARS. Why? Who the fuck knows. No emotion. Just tears. And then, an hour later, some song fills me with sadness and I have to pull over and sob for no fucking reason. And then I’m fine. Like nothing happened.
It’s really really not fun.
I hate this.
I’m done with this.
No more relationships. No more dating. No more sexy fun time with new people. My husband understands me. I don’t have to explain. I get laid when I need to. I give him sex when he needs me to. We get each other. His girlfriend gives him snuggles and life makes sense. None of this rollercoaster bullshit.
No ILOVEYOUSOMUCH and then nothing but silence and Oh hey, let’s break up because reasons. What.the.fuck. Okay. What did I do? It’s not you, it’s me. I just need to figure things out? Ya think? No, it’s more my OTHER girl is jealous and doesn’t want me to see you so, she’s more fun and there you go.
And everyone lies. My life would be 3000 times easier if people would just tell me the truth. But they never. EVER. do. And it’s exhausting.
I’m very tired. And sad. Did I mention sad?
I should go to bed. So here I go.